Day #16 Irritable and Pissed Off

I've been following the yeast free diet for 16 days now. It definitely has its ups and downs.

This 2 week process has been hell and heaven all at the same time.

My mind and my flesh is raging against this beast inside of me that is making me think I need sugar or I'm going to DIE. If you know me well, you know I'm pretty even keeled. I don't get outwardly angry or even INwardly angry very much or even at all.

Let me tell you a story of my first experience just being straight up pissed off and whiny in public.

A group of friends and I decided to go to a water park for a full day in Chelan. It was one of the few days I was able to take off of work and relax, and I was SO excited. I knew it was going to be tough at a water park, but I grabbed a bag of apples and called it good.

 I started out the day with a starbucks double shot. I made the mistake of getting coffee from a friend who was working when I was on my way to a water park. This is what she gave me.

So after a long day of running around, going down water slides, floating in the lazy river, talking with good friends, and people watching it was time for dinner in Chelan. This was their tradition, all day working up a good appetite and then eat burgers at their favorite place. I guess I was in denial that I couldn't eat there. It wasn't til we got there that I looked the menu that it hit me. I can't have almost anything on this menu. More importantly, I can't have what I WANT on this menu. My body was screaming for a double bacon cheeseburger with fries and a shake. I mean, screaming.

So like any 27 year old, I crossed my arms, almost started crying and ordered a green salad with no dressing. Something inside of me was manifesting outwardly for the first time. The realization that I can't have whatever I want whenever I want it. I threw a certified hissy fit, sat in silence and ate my salad. I was fuming mad, I was boiling on the inside that I couldn't just give in. I knew that If i did, it would hurt me to eat it and it would set me back. I knew that if I gave in here, I would give in again and again in the name of socialization.

So I bucked up, ate it and the worst part was I felt great. My body felt more than great, I felt totally revived and awake. This pissed me off more, because it just proved that I don't know how to feed my body. If I give it what it wants, it hurts. If i call the shots, and eat burgers, it is like poisoning myself on purpose. I simply did not want this to be true so I sat in denial the whole car ride home and the whole next day.

That was day 12. The hardest day I've had so far.

Since pushing through the great burger crisis of 2013 I have had so much realization.

Food Revelation #1
I don't know how to eat, I have no idea what my body needs.

Food Revelation #2
I am wrong about most things when it comes to my body, historically.

Food Revelation #3
I have been consciously poisoning my body for my whole life so far, because I didn't care about it.

For whatever reason, we believe as a society that quick and easy is the best. That whatever tastes good is fine. That whatever our body says is true. THESE ARE LIES. I can't trust my body, I can't trust my flesh, I must die to it everyday and choose health. I must die so I can live.

Doctors Visit Aug 12, 2013

On August 12, I went to see Dr. Patty.

I was about 45 minutes early, and I sat in my car anxiously awaiting my first doctor's appointment maybe EVER. I was clutching my pre-visit form in my sweaty, overprepared hand. I was Indescribably scared and at the same time curious about what she would say to me.  I thought for sure she would be able to look at me and tell me everything. I thought she'd look at my skin in horror and tell me I should have worn sunscreen. I thought she's tell me I was allergic to everything and I better go eat cucumbers for the rest of my life.

Luckily, none of that happened.

I awkwardly sat in the waiting room while she got ready for me. I only imagine what a naturopath does to get ready. Maybe she does a quick neti-pot, puts some nettles under her tongue and smokes a damiana/lavendar cig? Whatever she was doing was lost on me, I got lost in the magazine article on being really old and healthy. Apparently it's whiskey and walking! I might have to try that.

Anyway, she calls me in.

"Hello April! How are you! How did you hear about my office?"

"Um, my sister, Lindsay Schief"

"OOOHHH LINDSAYY!!! YES!! sit down, sit down, would you like some water?"

"uh, no thanks. I dont actually drink water, I solely drink iced coffee" (ok that was made up, but true)

She looked at me and said "well? what's ailing you? why are you visiting me today?"

SHOULDN'T YOU BE ABLE TO LOOK AT ME AND TELL?

"Well, mostly my sister made me come here to get my food allergy test and to ask you about a possible Candida overgrowth"

"ah, yes. tell me about your symptoms"

"Well, I'm always tired, I need sugar or I turn into a monster, it hurts when i eat most things, i can see clear pictures of the things floating in my eyes, my skin breaks out when i eat sugar...and I am curious to see if it's just food allergy or normal."

She then proceeded to do a full physical examination on me, made sure my heart was good, my lungs were good, my eyes were good, my ears were good. My blood pressure and so on. She was extra impressed with my ears. I was like, I know.

She then wanted to check on my Thyroid. She grabbed me a glass of water, and asked me to take a drink while she felt the front part of my neck. That's where my Thyroid is apparently. As soon as she put her hand on there she said "oh, no need to drink the water. I can feel your thyroid is inflamed and there are a few nodules on it. I'm going to give you a thyroid test to take at the lab along with you food allergy test.

Diagnosis:
Candida overgrowth

Treatment: For 3 months minimum
Yeast free diet (no sugar, dairy, yeast, anything fungus related or fermented)
Supplements of Magnesium, Pro-biotics, licorice extract, vitamin C
Exercise

This is where it gets real. I left and immediately started crying, not crying like a little sniff and a few tears. Crying like, uncontrollable sobbing and inability to stop. Granted, it was the first day of shark week. It was shocking how much I was crying. I couldn't see the road, I couldn't control my wailing. I can't remember a time before that I cried so hard (minus some choice prayer times) Usually my crying is one forced tear, and maybe a few silent sniffs. This was so out of character for me!

I think it was a mix of hormones, relief, and worry all at the same time. The overwhelming thought that now that I know, I can't ignore my body anymore. Now that I know for SURE I have no excuse to treat my body like crap. The information about my health was right in front of me. Now that a DOCTOR said I have candida, I have to take care of it. Now that the DOCTOR is worried about my thyroid, IM worried about my thyroid.

I needed someone to tell me it was going to be ok, and possibly just hug me and give me my last cookie maybe ever. I decided to see Linz at work. I love Olympia Coffee Roasters, and I was SO excited to sit there and cry for a while. It actually felt kinda good! I walked in to OCR and it went something like this

Linz - "Get over here little guy" holding her arms out for a hug

Me - "IM CRYING!" then i sobbed and sank into her arms.

"ok, let's go outside"

So I sat outside and told linz everything. She is so wise, she just looked at me and said, "I know this is overwhelming, but you might not have even gone to see her in the first place, so you can take your time with starting treatment and paying for expensive tests. Do what you can do on your own and save some money to do the rest!"

She then had a customer so she ran inside and I sat, still crying (It had been atleast 20 minutes) on the front stoop of the shop. Her extremely attractive boss pulled up in his nice car, got out and walked toward me to go inside. I looked away like, CRAP now a really cute guy (i now know he's married and stuff, so it was ok) is here! Of course!

He just looked at me and said "Are you ok?"

I said, "yeah, yeah, (awkward hard swallow) I'm good" as i turned away in shame.

As soon as I collected myself, I walked inside and sat down. Linz offered me an americano, an orange juice, and hot chocolate. I shook my head yes to all 3.

Not sure where I left off...

I feel like a roller coaster when it comes to my eating, and my health in general.

Some days I'm super committed and some days I see a chocolate croissant and mow it like no one's watching. I was doing really well for a while, and then I had a majorly busy and un-routine week. When I'm not prepared, I easily cave. When I'm really hungry, I think something like this..."well, I don't want to starve myself, that's equally as unhealthy. I'll get some food in me and start again later."

There's nothing really wrong with that if it only happened a few times, but it's been a full week of that! Luckily, my body is not having it. I can simply NOT eat whatever I want now. My body reacts harshly to sugar. My body reacts violently to dairy. My body gets tired and headache-y when I don't drink water.

It's like I can suddenly hear the voice of my body when I couldn't before. Maybe I wasn't asking before.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little down about it all and I really need some moral support and practical help. If any of you who read this want to call or text me encouragements, I know that would help me. I obviously can't do it by myself.

I'm NOT feeling condemned, but I'm picking back up again and starting where I left off.

HERE'S TO MY BODY!

Also, I posted an aaliyah song. I love it.

Aaliyah - Try Again

Wow, my body really is alive.

After years of mistreatment and abuse, we forget sometimes that our bodies are made to feel.
I thought everything was totally normal in and around my body. Boy was I wrong!
It's like my body has been numb to feeling good or bad, because I've ignored listening to it for so long.

Did you know that after you eat food, you are supposed to feel energy and nourishment?
Did you know that you don't have to feel bloated after one bite of food for the rest of the day?
Did you know that after you eat you should feel...wait for it...BETTER?

I thought it was totally normal that after I ate I was tired, had no energy, and saw stuff in my eyes (if i let them glaze over, which i do a little too often.) I must have never known what the original design of my body was.

Well, now I'm just shocked and also a little mad at myself for waiting so long to figure out that my body is mine. My body is made to feel things, to know what food tastes like. My body is made to give me signals when things are going wrong, or when it doesn't like something.

This last week I went to a summer camp. I stocked up on rice cakes, hummus, and vegatables.
It wasn't very long though, before i bombed through all of that and was subject to camp food. This camp food was definitely delicious and often had a salad or a yeast free option. I had to eat a little bit of each thing that I was avoiding. I figured I'd be ok, it had been a full week of no dairy, sugar, yeast or fermented things.

It was the day after I ate sugar, yeast and dairy that I started to notice how my body was reacting.
I was unbelievably bloated, gassy, tired, I broke out, i was constipated and my stomach just plain hurt. My stomach NEVER hurts! It was then I realized that my body really does feel better and that I have to get out of my mind that this food I am avoiding is the good stuff that I just can't have because POOR ME.

I started to get mad at everything, because I had been LIED to by EVERYONE.

Why do food businesses even SELL this stuff if it doesn't do anything but corrode our teeth and turn our insides into monsters!?

Can you imagine if we treated each other like we treat ourselves?
If we wouldn't give it to a child, we shouldn't eat it ourselves!

"No way, they can't have sugar! That's so bad for their teeth and they'll go crazy and crash later and be cranky."
YUP. YOU TOO.

"No way, they can't have SODA. That's full of chemicals!"
LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

"I'll never feed my child fast food. SO many calories and such little nutrition! I have no idea WHO is making that food or what their process is!"
EXACTLY!

Why do we think our bodies are invincible? We all need a lesson in self worth and valuing what we've been given. We all need to start loving our bodies...and I don't mean just love whatever size we are (which is important.) I mean really really love our bodies. Love them enough to not poison them and make them sick. We are worth SO much more! Maybe if we start to treat ourselves the way we treat others we will turn into that person we want to be in our heads. We might even end up the size we want to be.

I didn't realize how passionate I was about all of this until right now. You better believe I will do everything I can do to avoid these body poisoning foods!

Signing off for now,
AC

Day 3...an up day.

Phillipians 3:16 "then let us live up to what we have already attained"

I already know how to do this cleanse, I know my body. Sometimes I don't think I do or I have to learn a bunch more before I can start. I'm taking a lesson from Paul today and going forward in living out the truth that I ALREADY know. That's all that's expected of us day to day. The knowledge I have about my health is something I am putting in to practice and I know it will have an awesome outcome...The Bible tells me soooooooo.

My body is reacting in the best way ever! You know the way you feel when you wake up? Your stomach is  kinda flat, your body is really light, no slowness or fatigue?(unless you didnt sleep well) That's how I feel all day! I thought that when you ate food, you felt crappy til it digested and that was how life was. It's not true!

What I ate yesterday:

Breakfast:
2 Rice cakes with avocado and a little goat cheese
A bunch of water

Lunch:
Quinoa, black bean, onion and corn with greens. No dressing
Iced black coffee

Dinner:
basil pasta noodles (no yeast, I looked.)
garlic, onion, spinach, olive oil simmered in a pan with spicy italian chicken sausage.
I threw a half of an avocado on top after i put it in the bowl.

Guys---It was SO GOOD!
I recommend trying to eat food that you usually put a bunch of sauce or dressing on without it. You'd be surprised at the natural flavor of stuff like corn and lettuce. It doesn't need it!

Temptation has been little to none. I keep thinking about how one little things could throw off my whole day and make me feel slowed down and horrible. I'm putting my body in check, and it feels good.

Yesterday Lauren dropped a piece of cake on my leg. I imagined a little mouth was going to jump out of my leg and eat it, but luckily it didn't. That was a close one.

Candida Cleanse, here goes nothin...except sugar and yeast.

I went down to Olympia on the hottest day this whole summer for some well needed sister time. Something inside of me was reminding me that I have sisters who are extremely smart and also have experiences from which I need to glean. (I was going to say "glean from" but I heard my dads voice in my head)

The weekend consisted of swimming, Mario 3, american flag bathing suits and food too delicious to even talk about. I asked Linds a lot of questions about her health and her journey into eating what is good for her body, not just good for her mouth. How many of you know there is a big difference? amiright?

I came home with so much knowledge and insight, I felt so excited and ready! Then I went in to my room to go to bed and I had kind of a break down. I started venting. I was going to say praying..It was kind of praying but mostly just a very honest moment with myself and a plea for help. I started crying and I said "God, I feel like I've started this diet a million times. I feel like this is impossible. I feel like I always get excited to lose weight and become healthy and I am just disappointed. Show me that I can do all things through You or else I just won't know where to go from here."

I heard just then, in the way He always speaks, a very quiet and gentle voice saying "one day at a time."

It seemed so simple suddenly. It's like the knowledge from my head went right into my heart.

Today I will choose the right food. Today I will say no to sugar. Today I will remember that I am beautiful in the body I have now. Today is the day I will take back control of my stomach. Just for today.

So now I am in day 2 of my candida cleanse. I have already come home to freshly baked cookies, found a full Mt. Dew on the side of the road. Alos, I came to work and only had iced chai and coffee to drink that were pre-sweetened. This is a great lesson in self control. I'll definitely keep you posted. If I don't keep posting I wont have any internet accountability. I need it!

I feel pretty much awesome though!