Day #97 This post is about weight

I understand the topic of weight, and weight loss can be a weighty subject.

Therefore, I am treading lightly on this ground. (literally. I now weigh 199!!!!!!!!!!!!)

We'll talk more about that later, but I want to say something else first.

As I wrote about in earlier posts, I have been overweight all my life. I haven't seen the underside of 200 lbs in a long long time. Maybe 10 years, and I'm 27. I also am 6'1" so though I have been in the obese category, I've been lucky enough to kinda carry my weight proportionately.

The number of my weight is always in the back of my mind (or the front) and I bet I'm not the only one.

I wonder how many hours I have spent thinking about how much I weigh and how much I wish it was less, and how much happier I'd be if it was different, and how skinny girls have nothing to worry about and I hate them for it.

EW. It's probably way more than I would dare to admit.

Can I just call out some wrong things to think real quick?
I fully know this might be a little too real, but I've thought them atleast 10 times each.

"I can't wear this shirt with these pants, my muffin top will show and people will notice how fat I am"
"I can't wear this skirt, it shows my legs, and someone might see the cellulite"
"I better not lose weight, people might think I hate myself and I'm not fat positive"
"I better not gain weight, people might think I hate myself and I'm not health conscious"
"I should leave my hair down, my chin shows too much when I turn my head"
"OMG, I look like THAT when I laugh? I better cover up my mouth"
"All pictures of me are bad, I look horrible in all of them"
"I wake up ugly and have to make myself pretty before anyone sees me"
"I shouldn't have eaten that, I'm going to look different and no one will think I'm pretty"
"No one asks me on dates because I'm not skinny"
"If I were 20 lbs lighter, I'd for sure be happier in every way"
"I better wear another layer, you can see underwear lines"
"I can't wear that shirt because it makes my back look fat."
"I can't wear that coat, it makes me look huge"
"Maybe if I am skinny, I'll be able to start my life for real"
"They don't make clothing that fits me, so my body must be wrong in some way"
 "When I weigh _____ I'll be pretty"
"If i lose weight and boys start to notice me, I'll already be angry at them for NOT noticing me before"
"I don't believe I'll ever be happy with how I look"

Has anyone ever felt any of these? If I'm the only one, that's fine but I BET I'm not.

WHY?!

Even reading these through, I am shocked I was able to come up with that many without slowing down to think about it.  I do not wonder why I felt like I was trapped in my own body. Nothing I could have done would make me not feel like this. Yes, I am 25 lbs lighter now, and things fit differently, but these things are a mind set, not a weight problem. I could have been ANY weight and thought this way.

My view of myself as is slowly but surely changing and evolving into believing truth about how I was created.

Here's a little TRUTH to counteract these lies:

I am perfectly made.
When I walk into a room, no one thinks negatively about my body.  I only think they do.
I am beautiful at any size, with any hair-do, in any outfit, with or without make up.
My personality is what attracts people, not my appearance.
I look like what I look like, and it's beautiful.
Probably no one is thinking what I think they are thinking.
I can be fully happy now, without changing a thing about me.
If I lose or gain weight it has no affect on my worth and value.
Someone will love me for who I am someday, and I will not worry about when or if I can do anything to hurry the process along. I'm not doing anything wrong.
I am doing a good job everyday, even when I "mess up"
No one is harder on me than me, so If I'm not, no one is.
Bodies are ALL built differently, there is no perfect body.
Size ain't nothin' but a number.
Weight ain't nothin but a number.
I am not ruled by my emotions, but by truth.
I can wear whatever I want, whenever I want.

Ok, take a deep breath. That was way harder than the negative one.

I think I'm going to leave this post off right here. I feel pretty awesome right now. There's something about truth that just takes the weight off of my living in other people's minds. It is SO not worth it! The very last thing I will challenge myself with is to say out loud everything that is in my head and to listen to how silly it sounds, take the thought captive, throw it out and speak the truth instead. TRY IT I DARE YOU.

Day #86. Month 3 - Still in the habit

I met someone at Metropolitan Market that told me she didn't have sugar for 25 years. I immediately felt like a complete pansy. I'm over here squirming when I see a peanut M&M, and she's like, "yeah that stuff is bad for my body. I just figured it'd be better to avoid it completely."

What a hero. I mean, i think her name is even Sunshine. What a lady.

It taught me that there has got to be a point when I just decide. I just decide to believe my body is better off without sugar. I just have to have faith to believe that even though I can't see the outcome fully, and I don't know WHY it's better (for the most part) that there is something about what I am doing that is good.

I know it is good because I can see slowly but surely that my body works better. The hills on my bike are a little easier to handle, I can fall asleep at night, and I can wake up in the morning. I can even give more time and energy to thing I love because my brain space is not being taken up by food.

Any one else think about food all the time? What a waste of brain space! My mind is made for so much more than, "I want a brownie, I'm hungry, I'm not satisfied, food would be so good right now, this bread would be better with butter on it, etc."

I wonder how much of my life, if added up, would be taken up by thinking about brownies. I bet a lot.

I forgot lunch today. No big deal, but I was just staring at a wall thinking about food. I can't leave where I am to go get food, and there's no way it's going to magically appear, so I had to think of something else to do. I've been in this position a lot in the last few months and I've been surprised at myself. Do I really not have anything else to think about? What a sad realization!

I seemed to have forgotten what I like to do, and what I am good at because my mind was obsessed with this addiction to sugar and the comfort of food. I want to re-iterate that I am NOT advocating skipping meals to get stuff done, or to stop eating and start doing something, but I AM advocating something else.

Food is my fuel. Food is meant to be enjoyed and eaten, but not to overtake my mind.

I want to use my mind to create, to think, to contemplate, to memorize, to consider, to love, to pray, to figure stuff out, and to give words of encouragement. I want to use my mind to think of ways to make someone else's day better, and create art. I want to create delicious food that takes thought and time and THEN eat it!

I would say that now at day #86, I consider myself in the pattern of eating well. There are days when I totally mess up, but I don't beat myself up about it. The other day I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M's (my kryptonite) and ate them. All at once. I didn't even taste them, and I'm not sorry. Altogether though, I feel I have a little bit of authority on the subject of disciplining myself food-wise, and I have only a few words of encouragement for today.

Use your mind to create. Use your mind to think and contemplate. Use your mind to decide. Only you can decide what's best for you, but remember this: Although you can't see it there is a greater good that comes from treating yourself well every day. Even in the small moments. If you screwed up today, welcome to life. Keep going and believe what you can't see.

This was me a few days ago, getting a tattoo of a mountain to remind me that I am an overcomer. Also, look at me! tinier than usual. I'm constantly shocked at how my body is looking. Seriously, keep it up y'all. It's worth it!