Day #19 I think I just want some green beans

I didn't think I'd ever break through the glass ceiling of WANTING vegetables instead of a cookie.

It happened just now. I have some no-bake cookies I made myself for a snack today. They are SO GOOD. Thank you my great friend for suggesting an alternate recipe. DANG. I owe him a great big front hug.

I'll include my recipe below, but first I want to tell you what just happened.

I'm sitting at work and I look over at my iced coffee and my no-guilt no-bake cookies and I thought:

"Eh, I think that might be giving me a headache, I should just drink water and have those fresh green beans in the fridge instead. Maybe they'll make me feel better and give me more energy."

Then I immediately stopped to write down this momentous occasion. My mind is changing slowly but surely. I think it's starting to make sense to me that what I eat matters. When I made my delicious cookies, I thought it would be the perfect out. I could eat this oat bran, coconut oil based food and no one would be the wiser. Technically I'm totally not cheating, but in reality my diet isn't only about what I'm not eating, but what I am eating. I can stick within my guidelines and still feel like crap because I am not getting what my body needs. I think I'm gonna start munchin' down on some green beans and doing water keg stands.

I also learned a lesson on control yesterday while I was eating dinner with said great friend.

Control has a different definition than I thought it did. In my mind, control is the act of being in charge of what I do, and in turn doing whatever I want. If I'm in control of my diet, that means I can eat/do whatever I feel like. No one can tell me what to eat, when to eat it, what not to eat, why not to eat it.  This need to control, and control in the wrong way, is spilling over into my life in many ways.

Turns out that what I thought I was controlling was actually controlling me. If I "have" to eat what I want to be ok, then it's the food that's actually in charge of me. If I cringe at the thought of saving my money, then it's really the money that's controlling ME. If I can't hold myself back from walking into Starbucks or any given coffee shop in the morning, it's those places that are in control of me. Control, in fact, looks a little like the opposite. Real control would walk by a Starbucks and think, "HA, I don't need that. I mean, I want it but I will restrain for the sake of my health and wallet today." Real control says to impulsive buying or eating: "I don't need you, I am going to restrain and save money and come back once I've decided whether or not it's a good idea."

It makes me cringe to even write this. It's all so crazy to me. I'm at the beginning of this new knowledge. I'll let you know how it goes as I grow.

For me the biggest struggle in this lifestyle is control. When I can't have what I want, I feel out of control, but actually I'm in control. When I choose not to drink a beer (mmmmm) I am in control. When I discipline myself and don't do what I want, but what I need, I'm in control. This is a fruit of the spirit that I had no idea about. I'm totally scared but excited to dive farther into this part of my journey, because this could change everything.