maintaining ain't that bad, I guess.

I had a realization today. I'm maintaining a low weight and I'm living the lifestyle I have always wanted! I still kind of don't believe it.

The 3 month period I committed to doing the candida diet has been over for weeks. I was on a super high doing the diet perfectly and losing weight and feeling awesome!

When the 3 months ended, I had a treat.

The next day I had another, and soon I was making the choice consciously to eat whatever I wanted while still being careful. Then I went on vacation and ran out of money.

Then I decided not to starve and forage within my cupboards and accept meals given to me. (SO thankful for friends who feed me!)

Now I'm here, still waiting on the resources to eat the way I "want" and all the while I have been so unhappy!

The reason might not be what you think it is.

I am not unhappy because I am eating differently. I am not unhappy because I might have gained a few lbs.
I am not unhappy because my skin reacts to food. I am not unhappy because I have "given up"
I am not unhappy because I have no money. I'm not unhappy because I messed up.

I have been unhappy because I let lies rule my mind for the past 3 weeks.
I have been cursing myself everyday.

IT'S ALL BEEN IN MY MIND

Looking in the mirror and thinking:
"here comes the weight, I won't be pretty anymore"
"I'm out of control"
"I can't do a good job again"
"I can't maintain a healthy body"
"I'll never finish what I start"
"How can I possibly do this without money?"
"I can't tell anyone this is hard for me, they'll think I'm a quitter"

Do you want to know the reality?

I have not gained one lb, even if I did, it's ok.
I eat extremely healthy food.
I don't over eat.
I am doing a great job everyday, even though it's different than before.
My body is healthy and digesting correctly
I am constantly in a process, but I have made progress.
If people know I am having a hard time, they will still like me.

How is my picture of myself so off from who I actually am? How did I let it get this far?

I am "weighing" myself every day. 

Everyone knows that if you are trying to lose weight, it's more realistic and satisfying to step on the scale once a week instead of everyday. The reason being, weight comes off slowly, so to constantly be standing on the scale will be extremely discouraging! If you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, maybe every 3 months or even 6 months you'll see that your body is different and you've made tons of progress!

I was totally sitting on the scale staring at the number and hoping it would change.

I am taking hope though, because I know the truth of who I am! I am a woman who finishes what she starts. I am a woman who has self control. I am a woman who is able to be real and talk to others. I am a woman who is interdependent. I love myself and I will treat myself like it's true!