Day #57 The slippery slope of cheating

I have been doing a good job.

Good job me.

Over all, my clothes are getting too big, my face looks different when I see it in the mirror. I have lots of energy and I am working out regularly! My skin is clear, and I feel overall lighter. I wake up early on my own, I fall asleep easily. Everything's goin my way! I am really good at avoiding desserts! My favorite thing to say is "No thanks!" (for those of you who always say yes to everything, try it! It feels good, real good.)

Yesterday I got home from a really fun retreat with AWESOME food. I could with no guilt, eat plenty of the food there. I gave myself grace because I couldn't choose my food fully. I told myself, do your best and stay on track when you get home. I ended up having a few things I couldn't normally eat. It was fine.

Then it happened.

I got a migraine, and I broke out, and my stomach started hurting. It hurt so bad and all I could think of was..."It's because I ate something I shouldn't have! I think that chicken had diary in the sauce or something", blah blah etc. I started to feel guilty for giving in, I started to feel like I was weak and everything I did was reversed. I felt like I gained 20 lbs. Real. Thoughts. After maybe ONE meal with some dairy in it.

Then when I still felt sick and guilty this morning, I had to rush to work. I caved big time and bought a sausage breakfast sandwich from starbucks. I ate that thing like I had never had a hot meal. A few hours later,  I was still feeling pretty bad and my boss so nicely brought me soup from met market. I looked at that Jambalaya and knew it had things i couldn't eat in it, but I was looking for comfort, and I had already messed up, so I ate all the soup and LOVED it. I know I'm going to be paying for this later.

The biggest thing that I'm noticing here is the slippery slope. I caved and ate a little of what I couldn't have and it didn't kill me...so I kept doing it! I kept giving in to my cravings after 2 months of following the diet strictly! I'm actually right in the middle of it. This was today. The last thing I ate was the delicious Jambalaya.

Now hear me, there is nothing wrong with eating. I am not celebrating food guilt. Eat and love it. Eat a lot.
Fill your calorie budget right to the brim and never feel bad for it. Better yet, forget about calories and just eat real whole food and walk a lot or take a bike ride. The real problem for me is falling back into an old pattern of messing up slightly and then instead of pushing through, just giving up completely. I don't want that to happen to me, so I'm deciding to push through and stop RIGHT now. Stop the thoughts of hopelessness, stop the thoughts of "oh well, it doesn't matter in the end anyway, I'll never be healthy"

I am choosing today to say, OK I messed up, but I can stand right back up and start again.
I am STILL on day #57, not #1.
I don't have to start all over.
I did NOT gain 20lbs.
I do not look like my 7th grade self.
I am not hopeless.

I have not yet conquered the thing within me that turns into a 4th grade whiny little girl when I get sick. I seriously am such a baby. I feel like everyone needs to have compassion and know without me saying anything how I NEED ATTENTION AND A HUG. Hopefully pushing through this hard day and regaining my footing will help the process of rooting out the squeaky teeny tiny baby burpums that surfaces when I'm sick. Next time, maybe I'll drink tea and have some oat bran and a smoothie instead of mowing whatever is in front of me. I know in my mind that meal will make me feel better, but that truth obviously hasn't permeated my mind all the way quite yet. Here's to trying another day!

If you mess up, don't give up. That's my wisdom for the day.