15 weeks

It's 9:50 am. Church starts at 10 am. 

"Tim, can I cut my hair off right now?"

"Sure."

I would like to say that in that moment I was taken over by hormones and hot flashes making me cut it off or die. I think that was my excuse at the time, but the truth is I have done this a million times before. I just took advantage of the fact that my hair grows INSANELY fast right now, and not just on my head. I have to shave like every other day (or not) AMIRIGHT pregnant ladies?

So I'm at week 15. I have 2 little avocados in there making my stomach grow slowly but surely. Everyday I wake up and it's a little harder and sometimes it's off to the side a little! 

I can't feel any kicking yet, which surprises me because there are 2 little movers in there! In the ultrasound, baby A has its arms up next to its head like it's doing the salt and pepa dance to "push it"

See! If you can tell what's going on there, on the left is the scary face and baby is laying on its side, belly going to the right, lounging with its elbows up. Straight up dancing.

And this is baby B looking like an alien

So far Baby A has been in the spotlight every ultrasound, dancing and jumping for the camera. Baby B has been hiding a little and looking annoyed with Baby A. I'm not sure if that's a picture of what's to come. 

I can't remember if I mentioned this in my last post (sometimes I can't remember normal things) but my due date is July 18. That is 40 weeks, but they say to expect twins 3-4 weeks earlier. So, we're going to have babies literally 9 months after we got married! Last year at the 4th of July party we joked about "next year when I'm super pregnant" be careful what you joke about! We also joked about seeing "how many" we're in there before our first ultrasound...

Wouldn't it be so funny if someone gave us a house to live in? Hahahaha...ha...ha...

In 3 weeks we are taking a huge leap into grown-up-hood. We're picking up our MINI VAN!

Now, most people cringe when they realize they have to move up to mini van status, but I have been dreaming of this day for a long time! Even before I was married or pregnant. 

I LOVE vans! 

One of my first vehicles was a van and it is just so useful! You can not deny the convenience of a minivan, and the style isn't that bad either. Everyone get over it and embrace the vehicle designed to make your life extremely easy and roomy. I promise, Honda is not paying me to say this, but I wouldn't be mad if they sent me a free Odyssey. 

Just imagine all the goodwill finds you can just go ahead and take home with you! Imagine the cool garage sale you can treasure hunt with ease! All of this, and my babies fit too. Booyah.

Overall, week 15 has been a breeze, here's for hoping the rest of the weeks are this easy 😁 (injesusnameamen)

Pregnancy up to week 14

The last time I wrote on this blog my life was very different.
Before I was trying to lose weight and now I'm trying to gain it.

Quick timeline of my life since last year as it pertains to this blog post

February 15, 2014: first date with Tim Norris
June 5, 2014: got engaged to Tim Norris
October 4, 2014: got married to Tim Norris
October 25-27ish, 2014: got pregnant
December 31, 2014: found out it was TWINS

So....2014 was pretty cool I guess.

I won't spend a lot of time catching you up on the pregnancy thus far, it's been pretty tame. I will tell a few highlights that I think are pretty funny.

I cry all the time, one time Tim accidentally scared me and I started crying. Also, I cried watching Hook, Annie, and Hunger Games. Like sobbing uncontrollable hot mess type crying. That's just the beginning. I could write a whole blog called #whyisaprilcrying. It would be full. Poor Tim.

I haven't been sick really, sometimes my favorite foods make me gag, and foods I've never wanted to eat are the only things I can stomach. For the first few weeks I only wanted Starbucks breakfast sandwiches and Cheerios. Now I don't want either ever again. Other stuff makes me gag, like hearing someone spit or brushing my teeth.

Moms, please don't hate me for not having morning sickness, I promise I'm trying my hardest!

The day we found out we were having twins was an unbelievable day.

We went in for our first ultrasound when I was at 12 weeks. The midwife was really nice. She smelled like coffee and I was so jealous. It was probably even Folgers. Too bad my bladder was more full than it had ever been.

We joked about seeing how many were in there.

She pulled out the Doppler to listen for the heartbeat...and there was nothing.

She told us not to worry, the baby was probably just hiding or I had a tipped uterus or something. I was like, "you don't know nothin about my uterus"

Then she pulled in the robot machine to take a look. At this point we were a little nervous because what if there was no more baby? What if the test was wrong? What if? 

So she squirted the extremely cold gel on my belly (I was the first patient so it hadn't had time to warm up) and we got a glimpse of what was inside of me. 

She looked and looked and then looked concerned and confused. She took the screen away and told us she needed to look at it alone. She was pressing the wand thing into my bladder and making a face we didn't like, but then after what seemed like 10 years she said "a-ha!" And turned it back toward us.

"I understand now, see this line? This is the separation between 2 sacs. Here is the first baby and here is the second baby!"

...

Then both of our jaws hit the ground. We were laughing and crying, the kind of nervous laugh that makes it sound like you're happy when you're not sure if you are. I looked over at Tim and a single tear was falling down his face. Then he asked for a chair.

We sat in shock for a while and the midwife congratulated us and sent us to radiology to get another ultrasound, but I had to go to work. So I went to work.

That was 2 weeks ago and we're still reeling. This changes everything! We had a plan! WE HAD IT ALL FIGURED OUT! 

Alas, just like everything in our marriage so far, we have to trust God in the unexpected times. We have to know that His plan is best even if we are scared or overwhelmed. We also are privileged to jump in the river and see where it takes us! 

Wanna know what made me suddenly ok with all of this? It's a love that was put inside me long ago. A love for matching outfits. Thank you, Lord.

I'll post a picture next time, I don't look any different yet, my stomach is just harder.

maintaining ain't that bad, I guess.

I had a realization today. I'm maintaining a low weight and I'm living the lifestyle I have always wanted! I still kind of don't believe it.

The 3 month period I committed to doing the candida diet has been over for weeks. I was on a super high doing the diet perfectly and losing weight and feeling awesome!

When the 3 months ended, I had a treat.

The next day I had another, and soon I was making the choice consciously to eat whatever I wanted while still being careful. Then I went on vacation and ran out of money.

Then I decided not to starve and forage within my cupboards and accept meals given to me. (SO thankful for friends who feed me!)

Now I'm here, still waiting on the resources to eat the way I "want" and all the while I have been so unhappy!

The reason might not be what you think it is.

I am not unhappy because I am eating differently. I am not unhappy because I might have gained a few lbs.
I am not unhappy because my skin reacts to food. I am not unhappy because I have "given up"
I am not unhappy because I have no money. I'm not unhappy because I messed up.

I have been unhappy because I let lies rule my mind for the past 3 weeks.
I have been cursing myself everyday.

IT'S ALL BEEN IN MY MIND

Looking in the mirror and thinking:
"here comes the weight, I won't be pretty anymore"
"I'm out of control"
"I can't do a good job again"
"I can't maintain a healthy body"
"I'll never finish what I start"
"How can I possibly do this without money?"
"I can't tell anyone this is hard for me, they'll think I'm a quitter"

Do you want to know the reality?

I have not gained one lb, even if I did, it's ok.
I eat extremely healthy food.
I don't over eat.
I am doing a great job everyday, even though it's different than before.
My body is healthy and digesting correctly
I am constantly in a process, but I have made progress.
If people know I am having a hard time, they will still like me.

How is my picture of myself so off from who I actually am? How did I let it get this far?

I am "weighing" myself every day. 

Everyone knows that if you are trying to lose weight, it's more realistic and satisfying to step on the scale once a week instead of everyday. The reason being, weight comes off slowly, so to constantly be standing on the scale will be extremely discouraging! If you zoom out and look at the bigger picture, maybe every 3 months or even 6 months you'll see that your body is different and you've made tons of progress!

I was totally sitting on the scale staring at the number and hoping it would change.

I am taking hope though, because I know the truth of who I am! I am a woman who finishes what she starts. I am a woman who has self control. I am a woman who is able to be real and talk to others. I am a woman who is interdependent. I love myself and I will treat myself like it's true!

Day #97 This post is about weight

I understand the topic of weight, and weight loss can be a weighty subject.

Therefore, I am treading lightly on this ground. (literally. I now weigh 199!!!!!!!!!!!!)

We'll talk more about that later, but I want to say something else first.

As I wrote about in earlier posts, I have been overweight all my life. I haven't seen the underside of 200 lbs in a long long time. Maybe 10 years, and I'm 27. I also am 6'1" so though I have been in the obese category, I've been lucky enough to kinda carry my weight proportionately.

The number of my weight is always in the back of my mind (or the front) and I bet I'm not the only one.

I wonder how many hours I have spent thinking about how much I weigh and how much I wish it was less, and how much happier I'd be if it was different, and how skinny girls have nothing to worry about and I hate them for it.

EW. It's probably way more than I would dare to admit.

Can I just call out some wrong things to think real quick?
I fully know this might be a little too real, but I've thought them atleast 10 times each.

"I can't wear this shirt with these pants, my muffin top will show and people will notice how fat I am"
"I can't wear this skirt, it shows my legs, and someone might see the cellulite"
"I better not lose weight, people might think I hate myself and I'm not fat positive"
"I better not gain weight, people might think I hate myself and I'm not health conscious"
"I should leave my hair down, my chin shows too much when I turn my head"
"OMG, I look like THAT when I laugh? I better cover up my mouth"
"All pictures of me are bad, I look horrible in all of them"
"I wake up ugly and have to make myself pretty before anyone sees me"
"I shouldn't have eaten that, I'm going to look different and no one will think I'm pretty"
"No one asks me on dates because I'm not skinny"
"If I were 20 lbs lighter, I'd for sure be happier in every way"
"I better wear another layer, you can see underwear lines"
"I can't wear that shirt because it makes my back look fat."
"I can't wear that coat, it makes me look huge"
"Maybe if I am skinny, I'll be able to start my life for real"
"They don't make clothing that fits me, so my body must be wrong in some way"
 "When I weigh _____ I'll be pretty"
"If i lose weight and boys start to notice me, I'll already be angry at them for NOT noticing me before"
"I don't believe I'll ever be happy with how I look"

Has anyone ever felt any of these? If I'm the only one, that's fine but I BET I'm not.

WHY?!

Even reading these through, I am shocked I was able to come up with that many without slowing down to think about it.  I do not wonder why I felt like I was trapped in my own body. Nothing I could have done would make me not feel like this. Yes, I am 25 lbs lighter now, and things fit differently, but these things are a mind set, not a weight problem. I could have been ANY weight and thought this way.

My view of myself as is slowly but surely changing and evolving into believing truth about how I was created.

Here's a little TRUTH to counteract these lies:

I am perfectly made.
When I walk into a room, no one thinks negatively about my body.  I only think they do.
I am beautiful at any size, with any hair-do, in any outfit, with or without make up.
My personality is what attracts people, not my appearance.
I look like what I look like, and it's beautiful.
Probably no one is thinking what I think they are thinking.
I can be fully happy now, without changing a thing about me.
If I lose or gain weight it has no affect on my worth and value.
Someone will love me for who I am someday, and I will not worry about when or if I can do anything to hurry the process along. I'm not doing anything wrong.
I am doing a good job everyday, even when I "mess up"
No one is harder on me than me, so If I'm not, no one is.
Bodies are ALL built differently, there is no perfect body.
Size ain't nothin' but a number.
Weight ain't nothin but a number.
I am not ruled by my emotions, but by truth.
I can wear whatever I want, whenever I want.

Ok, take a deep breath. That was way harder than the negative one.

I think I'm going to leave this post off right here. I feel pretty awesome right now. There's something about truth that just takes the weight off of my living in other people's minds. It is SO not worth it! The very last thing I will challenge myself with is to say out loud everything that is in my head and to listen to how silly it sounds, take the thought captive, throw it out and speak the truth instead. TRY IT I DARE YOU.

Day #86. Month 3 - Still in the habit

I met someone at Metropolitan Market that told me she didn't have sugar for 25 years. I immediately felt like a complete pansy. I'm over here squirming when I see a peanut M&M, and she's like, "yeah that stuff is bad for my body. I just figured it'd be better to avoid it completely."

What a hero. I mean, i think her name is even Sunshine. What a lady.

It taught me that there has got to be a point when I just decide. I just decide to believe my body is better off without sugar. I just have to have faith to believe that even though I can't see the outcome fully, and I don't know WHY it's better (for the most part) that there is something about what I am doing that is good.

I know it is good because I can see slowly but surely that my body works better. The hills on my bike are a little easier to handle, I can fall asleep at night, and I can wake up in the morning. I can even give more time and energy to thing I love because my brain space is not being taken up by food.

Any one else think about food all the time? What a waste of brain space! My mind is made for so much more than, "I want a brownie, I'm hungry, I'm not satisfied, food would be so good right now, this bread would be better with butter on it, etc."

I wonder how much of my life, if added up, would be taken up by thinking about brownies. I bet a lot.

I forgot lunch today. No big deal, but I was just staring at a wall thinking about food. I can't leave where I am to go get food, and there's no way it's going to magically appear, so I had to think of something else to do. I've been in this position a lot in the last few months and I've been surprised at myself. Do I really not have anything else to think about? What a sad realization!

I seemed to have forgotten what I like to do, and what I am good at because my mind was obsessed with this addiction to sugar and the comfort of food. I want to re-iterate that I am NOT advocating skipping meals to get stuff done, or to stop eating and start doing something, but I AM advocating something else.

Food is my fuel. Food is meant to be enjoyed and eaten, but not to overtake my mind.

I want to use my mind to create, to think, to contemplate, to memorize, to consider, to love, to pray, to figure stuff out, and to give words of encouragement. I want to use my mind to think of ways to make someone else's day better, and create art. I want to create delicious food that takes thought and time and THEN eat it!

I would say that now at day #86, I consider myself in the pattern of eating well. There are days when I totally mess up, but I don't beat myself up about it. The other day I grabbed a handful of peanut M&M's (my kryptonite) and ate them. All at once. I didn't even taste them, and I'm not sorry. Altogether though, I feel I have a little bit of authority on the subject of disciplining myself food-wise, and I have only a few words of encouragement for today.

Use your mind to create. Use your mind to think and contemplate. Use your mind to decide. Only you can decide what's best for you, but remember this: Although you can't see it there is a greater good that comes from treating yourself well every day. Even in the small moments. If you screwed up today, welcome to life. Keep going and believe what you can't see.

This was me a few days ago, getting a tattoo of a mountain to remind me that I am an overcomer. Also, look at me! tinier than usual. I'm constantly shocked at how my body is looking. Seriously, keep it up y'all. It's worth it!

Day # 69 Some pictures

I want to put text above my picture...how do I do that, this is so annoying...THERE WE GO! 

I am not necessarily computer savvy. I had a hard time figuring out how to double space a paper I was writing the other day. That's what I get for waiting 10 years to go back to school! 

Anyway, I don't like the idea of putting a lot of pictures of myself up, but this one just kinda shocked me!

As a girl, we almost always think we look like our 6th grade selves. I don't know why, that's just how it is. When I put this dress on that I hadn't worn in a few month, I was shocked to find that it fit totally differently. I mean, I knew I had lost a few, but it was like looking at a different person in the mirror.

 These pictures are different angles of course, but the dress fit me completely differently. Day #69 people.

 This one was taken a few months ago, linz edited these together, and it's still a fave. This is the jawline pic!

                                              That's pretty much all I have to say today! 

I haven't weighed myself yet, I don't plan on it anytime soon. I just wanted to capture the change so I didn't forget. It's easy to forget the progress if you don't look back every once in a while. It's easy to be discouraged if you weigh yourself everyday and don't congratulate yourself for small and big victories. I sometimes find, if I don't look back on who I was, I don't fully appreciate who I am. I may not be fully there yet but I am not who I used to be, and I call that a win!

Day #57 The slippery slope of cheating

I have been doing a good job.

Good job me.

Over all, my clothes are getting too big, my face looks different when I see it in the mirror. I have lots of energy and I am working out regularly! My skin is clear, and I feel overall lighter. I wake up early on my own, I fall asleep easily. Everything's goin my way! I am really good at avoiding desserts! My favorite thing to say is "No thanks!" (for those of you who always say yes to everything, try it! It feels good, real good.)

Yesterday I got home from a really fun retreat with AWESOME food. I could with no guilt, eat plenty of the food there. I gave myself grace because I couldn't choose my food fully. I told myself, do your best and stay on track when you get home. I ended up having a few things I couldn't normally eat. It was fine.

Then it happened.

I got a migraine, and I broke out, and my stomach started hurting. It hurt so bad and all I could think of was..."It's because I ate something I shouldn't have! I think that chicken had diary in the sauce or something", blah blah etc. I started to feel guilty for giving in, I started to feel like I was weak and everything I did was reversed. I felt like I gained 20 lbs. Real. Thoughts. After maybe ONE meal with some dairy in it.

Then when I still felt sick and guilty this morning, I had to rush to work. I caved big time and bought a sausage breakfast sandwich from starbucks. I ate that thing like I had never had a hot meal. A few hours later,  I was still feeling pretty bad and my boss so nicely brought me soup from met market. I looked at that Jambalaya and knew it had things i couldn't eat in it, but I was looking for comfort, and I had already messed up, so I ate all the soup and LOVED it. I know I'm going to be paying for this later.

The biggest thing that I'm noticing here is the slippery slope. I caved and ate a little of what I couldn't have and it didn't kill me...so I kept doing it! I kept giving in to my cravings after 2 months of following the diet strictly! I'm actually right in the middle of it. This was today. The last thing I ate was the delicious Jambalaya.

Now hear me, there is nothing wrong with eating. I am not celebrating food guilt. Eat and love it. Eat a lot.
Fill your calorie budget right to the brim and never feel bad for it. Better yet, forget about calories and just eat real whole food and walk a lot or take a bike ride. The real problem for me is falling back into an old pattern of messing up slightly and then instead of pushing through, just giving up completely. I don't want that to happen to me, so I'm deciding to push through and stop RIGHT now. Stop the thoughts of hopelessness, stop the thoughts of "oh well, it doesn't matter in the end anyway, I'll never be healthy"

I am choosing today to say, OK I messed up, but I can stand right back up and start again.
I am STILL on day #57, not #1.
I don't have to start all over.
I did NOT gain 20lbs.
I do not look like my 7th grade self.
I am not hopeless.

I have not yet conquered the thing within me that turns into a 4th grade whiny little girl when I get sick. I seriously am such a baby. I feel like everyone needs to have compassion and know without me saying anything how I NEED ATTENTION AND A HUG. Hopefully pushing through this hard day and regaining my footing will help the process of rooting out the squeaky teeny tiny baby burpums that surfaces when I'm sick. Next time, maybe I'll drink tea and have some oat bran and a smoothie instead of mowing whatever is in front of me. I know in my mind that meal will make me feel better, but that truth obviously hasn't permeated my mind all the way quite yet. Here's to trying another day!

If you mess up, don't give up. That's my wisdom for the day.